"It`s Not A Tumor!"

You know when you have to do something and you think, "oh, that will be no problem. There`s nothing difficult or fearful about that", and then you go to do it and it`s surprisingly difficult? Well, that happened to me today. I went to a neurologist to get some help for my migranes because the tylenol isn`t working so well anymore and I`m starting to get nauseous and throw-up at the onset. Anyhoo, my mil and husband thought it would be a good idea to get an MRI. In Canada I think you would have to wait ages to get an MRI, but here you can just go to a doctor and get one on the spot (it`s cheap too...about $60). So, there I am in the office trying to explain my symptoms in Japanese:

Doctor: Is the pain "don don" or "pari pari"
Me: Um, "don don" usually on the right side near the front of my head.
Doctor: Do you see light behind your eyes?
Me: Sometimes and it helps if I do this "guuuu" (make pushing movement against my right eye).
Doctor: Ah, how about an MRI.
Me: okay.

So now I go to wait for my MRI and I have just enough time to imagine the worst. A big tumor that will have to be cut out leaving me a drooling idiot (literally). I actually saw a vision of me lying in bed with spittle coming out of my mouth (dh was wiping it away, bless him!). Try to remember the neuropsychology class I took 8 years ago and what important functions the right frontal lobe is responsible for. Decide it`s responsible for "emotions" and think that`s not so bad...might even be beneficial to lose some of THAT part of my brain (nervous laughter in my head). Tick tock. They move me to the MRI waiting area where an ancient lady is wheeled out as some drool slides out of the corner of her mouth.

Now it`s my turn. Take off all jewelry. Tell the nurse I don`t have any steel limbs or pins inside my body (forgetting about my permanent retainer for the time being). Lie down on the bed. Put the earphones on (MRI`s are really noisy). Watch as the "hannibal Lecter" type mask is slowly descending upon my face. Panic. Seriously, I felt my stomach drop and started to hyperventilate. The attendant is asking if I`m okay and I`m thinking, "NO, I`M NOT!". Get a grip on my emotions and breathe. Say I`m okay just a little "doki doki" (sound of a heartbeating). The attendant hands me a device that acts as an emergency call button. Feel a bit better. Procede whilst praying the Hail Mary. Start to calm down as the procedure begins and then remember that I have a permanent retainer in my mouth! Start to panic again (mildly) as I wonder what will happen to my mouth as the giant magnet pulls the retainer out. Nothing happens but I feel the retainer touch my tongue. Wait, that`s my tongue touching the retainer. PHEW, everything`s okay! Hear a voice say, "IT`S FINISHED". Think to myself, "Is that God`s voice?" then realize no, it`s the attendant and I`m coming out of the tube. Hooray!

Now I get some more time to imagine the worst except I`m so glad to be out of the machine that I don`t imagine anything too bad. Decide to send a text message to my LSF (Lovely Scottish Friend) in Okinawa telling her about the MRI. She texts me back and says she had an MRI and they found out she does in fact have a brain. I laugh (comic relief) and tell her I will call her if I do have a tumor (more comic relief). Get called into the doctor`s office to be told I have a perfectly normal brain. No problem. It`s obviously severe migranes you have been experiencing (think to myself in an "Arnold" accent, "IT`S NOT A TUMOR!" and then think, "wow, I`m actually happy to hear that it`s only severe migranes.") and here`s a prescription for a drug that should work a heck-of-a-lot better than tylenol.

It`s really nice to know that I don`t have a tumor. I know that sounds a bit daft but when you get headaches there`s a possiblility it`s a "stage 4 gemistocytic astrocytoma of the right frontal lobe" (Don`t you watch House?).

Ja ne.